oh gosh. i'm 16 years & 6 months old. just 6 more months to my 7teen birthday. the year of twenties is drawing nearer as the time tick away. i found my file. *woohoo* *thanks KARYI!* she accompanied me to look for it. i was delighted as the touch of my file motivates me to strive for achievement. miracle right??? how i wish to let him know i am being cold towards him. finally heading to SBM after 1 month + of agony without PUJA. at last away from this modern world of stress & anxiety with the pleasing PUJA. :BBB of course, before that i got piles of MR HOGAN's work & school work to acomplish. after puja, eve & me be heading to PP mac to continue with the piles of work. yesterdy had COH meeting. ah! the leaders need rush out camp plan by 4 of feb & camp is 7-9 of march. 3 days gone for my march holidays. i doubt i will be attending tuitions as it clashes. just hate missing tuition lessons as i got extra work to complete & got to give reasons to my beloved dad. once again, my patrol changed. this time DOVE. dove represents peace & i shall peace with them. i'm trying to find back my passion and not attending guides for the sake of attending. i was stunned when i saw the piece of paper. i did not expect * to resort in this. i cannot bring myself to write out anything. my heart crashed. totally speechless to give any comments. i though it will be the end of everything, somehow it continues. i had enough of it! where once i'm physically fatigue but not mentally, always seeking for BUDDHA's aid to be spiritually & mentally strong. i just doubt myself for my own capability as studies is my number 1 priority now and i'm badly affected by this Os' result that leads me to NO CONFIDENCE in myslef. currently, i am fighting with my own PT to be stronger so i can be back with my own balling life. deeply in heart, i yearn back my balling life. be it if i am still attached to the past, be it if i am balling because of him, be it if i love balling more than a passion; BE IT. I JUST LOVE BALLING TO THE CORE. we had a conflict last evening. "it is just my fault, isnt't it?" i know it was STUPID, DUMB, IDOIT, SILLY, RIDICULOUS, SENSELESS of me to give * my number. at that moment i was too terrified to calm down & sort things out. i just want to get out of it quickly. frankly speaking, i did not blamed him for venting his anger but also tried to understand. i am certain that i cannot give in my 100% to this relationship until after Os'. i know it is being unfair towards him but i cannot bring myself to let go of this relationship as it means alot to me and one thing for sure, i love him just as much as balling is important to me. off for a shower! :)))